I wrote this August 28, 2013. Before Holly and I got together. In that weird gray period between careful friends and…more. My love for fairy tales and those of star-crossed lovers was laying heavy on my heart. For some reason, Holly has always conjured up fire imagery for me. Maybe it’s the red hair.In my phone, Holly is listed as “Kissed by Fire.”

So I think the fire metaphor along with a seemingly unattainable love probably inspired my to compare her to the fiery fairy that teases travelers with it’s elusive light.

“The Ellylldan is a species of elf exactly corresponding to the English Will-o’-wisp, the Scandinavian Lyktgubhe, and the Breton Sand Yan y Tad. The Welsh word dan means fire; dan also means a lure; the compound word suggests a luring elf-fire.”  British Goblins: Welsh Folk-lore, Fairy Mythology, Legends and Traditions. Chapter II.IV (page 19).

“Time marches on across my tiny little world which still swirls slightly around Holly. But each day I get a little bit more of myself back. I can at least be human now. I can shut down the sadness and insecurity so much better than 3 weeks ago. Much better perspective. It’s still hard when your whole being is telling you to go there-to dwell on impossibilities, to live in fantasies-but that world doesn’t exist. It’s pretend and the reality would never live up to the dream. But I’m a dreamer! It’s my natural state to live in impossibilities to feed on them and wish on invisible stars.

So I clench my teeth and pull my head back to reality- where I have a friend with a beautiful soul but who lives on the other side of a wall from me. I can only watch as she dances for me. She can hear me speak, but always a few inches away.
So I watch the Ellylldan dance just out of reach, and I follow. You can’t help it, right? The Ellylldan is mysterious, fascinating and seems so very close, but always out of reach.
The thing is that I know anything with Holly would be fire…gunpowder. I’d lose a finger trying to hold onto her. And I don’t know if I have the courage to go down that road, trusting her. I’m not strong right now.I need to be handled gently and being with her, I’m afraid, would break me into a million pieces.
So I’m the friend. Trying to shut off those feelings. Trying to feel something for my friend’s friend. Trying to figure something out in me. Who I am. What I am.
To be full of fearless love. And not lose myself in the marshes as I chase after phantoms.”
Hanjun Ni – “Will o’ the Wisp”
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